Spermy (aka biological father)

So Spermy called on Father's day while I was at work. Mom told me he had called a few weeks ago, he wants me to go to Winnipeg to some "family" bbq or some shit. I really really don't want to go because being stuck in Winnipeg of all places meeting an entire side of my supposed family that I don't even know, does not sound like fun. I told him that to. I said right to his face that going to spend a weekend with strangers having to have the...What do you do? Do you go to school? Are you seeing anyone? Conversations over and over again is a horrible weekend. He's like how are you going to get to know them if you never meet them. Valid argument but mine was yelling "IM 25!!" Jesus why all of a sudden has he decided to make an effort. I wish I was more rude and could just tell him to fuck off for good, but I can't and will never probably. So I tried the...I don't have any money and I have no more vacation days cause I used it all to go to Vegas the end of July, route to say no.

So anyhow he calls this morning at 7am! I ignored the call because I was partially comatosed, shows how little he knows me to even think I'd be awake that fuckin early. He called again around 11am stated he needed to book it by tomorrow. I'm like I have no vacation days....It's like he wiped out the first conversation entirely. Why don't you have any days? Because I'm going to Vegas....Oh when are you going there? If I could strangle people through the phone that would be the best power ever. He asked me to try to get Sunday off so I could go Friday through Monday and he would book the flight so I would be back in time to go to work Monday. I said I probably would not be able to get Sunday why not just Friday Saturday. Well we kind of need more days then that. I'd like it if you could come out here every year. Where is all this coming from? Is he dying? If he's dying they just give me my money and die already. So essentially looks like I'm going to Winnipeg July 14th- 16th cause I have no fuckin balls. Im going to try to tell him I can't get Sunday off. With any luck he won't be able to book the flights. Did I mention he's using his airmiles because he's unemployed living in his sister in laws basement!! DING DING We have a winner here! Fuck what a waste of a fuckin weekend

Sylvan Lake pics

I was to sick to write about it or even care at the time, while praying for death. Though getting sick as much as it sucked sweaty balls, was still worth it. Sylvan was so much fuckin fun. So since there was so much we did I could go forever I'll give you a point form summary of the weekends events.
-Weekends consumptions (not an actual total but a rounding down guesstimation.... 3+ 40's of vodka, 4 40's of rum spiced and malibu, 100+ beer, some whisky some gin, some sourpuss and god knows what else)
-Got drunk
-Played Charade's
-Decorated visors with random foam shapes...While drunk
-Everyone played piano...While drunk
-Danced on the floating dock with Darryl, Sabby & Cam at 1am with headphones...While drunk
-Passed out
-Woke up hung over feeling like I had danced on the floating dock with Darryl, Sabby & Cam for an hour...While drunk
-Had my face painted
-Started the "amazing race" boys vs girls (highlights of the race are as follows)
1)Shoved yarn tied to a spoon through mine, AJ, Sabby, Raynna, & Courtney's clothing while getting tangled
2)Ran around AJ & Sabrina with 2 entire rolls of toilet paper making them look like mummies
3)Watched AJ hit a box with pantyhose and a tennis ball tied around her waist etc.
-Kicked ass in tether ball
-Decided to go swimming
-Shoved Cam into the cold water
-Dragged into the water by Cam while screaming..Dragged AJ with me
-Ran out of booze so drove to Sylvan with the girls to get more
-Got drunk
-Got more drunk by the fire
-Decided to listen to my headphones on the dock
-Started to pour rain, Ben joined me
-Sat with Ben drunk soaking wet and freezing while listening to music in the dark
-Sabrina and Darryl joined us
-Sat by the fire soaking wet and drunk
-Decided to watch the sunrise with my headphones on by the fire
-Passed out before the sun came up (still pissed about that)
-Woke up like I had only had 2 hrs of sleep and had been on a 2 day bender.
-Everyone said fuck paddle boating were done
-Packed up and left
-Woke up feeling very sick, like I had spent the previous night soaking wet freezing on a dock...While drunk.
THE END

Funny, but I'm a little grossed out right now.

I called in sick today. My throat feels like shiat! So I've been scrolling through peoples blogs. Just hitting that random next blog button in the right hand corner. There are some sick fuckin people out there. Anyhoo onto my entry about necrophilia. Hehe it makes me laugh....wait what was I saying about sick fucks? Would I fall into this category....yes yes I would cause people fucking weird shit is hilarious. see http://www.comedycentral.com/sitewide/media_player/play.jhtml?itemId=12418

on seperate note I found this mouse picture and an article about how necrophilia is not just for humans. I was grossed out! gross gross. The article also had a small blurb about a reported case of a homosexual necrophiliac mallard duck. Anyhow this is it if anyone is as disturbed as I am http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Necrophilia

Funniest Fuckin E-mail I've read In a long time

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: *****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm think I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report