Quick catch up on my worlds
In my home world: My parents decided that since "theoretically" I can afford $600 rent (because that's ballpark what my friends pay for their one bedrooms) on my wages, I should be able to save that much. I pay $200 to my rents and $400 in savings. Its good for me yes, yes I'm aware. However they don't have a car and insurance and gas. I got paid today and with this new "rent" and insurance and all my bills on one cheque...It's not going to happen. I'm going to have to renegotiate these terms.
In the work world: I'm FINALLY off probation, I'm getting my raise that was "frozen" for the last 3 months. I put in my application for a new computer and have a $2100 cheque to shop for one with...Sweet. I also put in for my vacation. I'm taking 18 days off the end of July and going to Vegas for a week. The other 11 days I'm going to do fuck all. Its July I can lay around on my deck in a bathing suit in a drunken stupor in the sun. Stupid 6 months away!
In the love life world: I'm still not really sure about that one. I let Chris know about all the things that were bothering me about a month ago. We mutually decided to take a break and try to figure things out. I haven't figured a thing out however. I suppose, I have learned that I need to lighten up. I can hear my maternal clock ticking away already, which is ridiculous I know since I'm 25. I can't help it. I'm not even ready for kids I know this but it's in the back of my mind a lot. I just want the relationship I have with my mom, with my kids. She had me at 24 and I guess I kinda feel like if I have kids at 30 or older I think I'll be to old to enjoy them when they are my age now. Anyways that's how I'm looking at relationships. I wasted fuckin 4 years almost with Tim. If I waste another 4 years on the wrong guy I'll be 29 and single again. It's unhealthy to have that "is he the one" idea in your brain when starting a new relationship. So I've decided to lighten up.
Chris and I have fun we get along, he knows how to push my buttons that's for sure. I like that he's not a push over which previous boyfriends have been. He can be sweet sometimes. However he does not vocalize what he wants or feels EVER. I'm aware that's just not the type of person he is, but a little goes a long way. He has this... Accept me for who I am, I'm not changing attitude. Sorry, but that's not how relationships work. You need to be willing to compromise a bit, or one person is doing all the sacrificing "trying to accept" the other person, and the person being accepted is not making any sacrifices. Then they in turn are being selfish and not making an effort to accept the other person for who THEY are, and expecting them to change because you are not willing to in return. Which is what you're getting irritated at in the first place making you a big hypocrite. I don't know if that made any sense but I'm not re-writing it because it hurt my brain trying to word it in the first place.
So for now we're on a break. We still hang out, I still have feelings for him of course, I also still enjoy his company. Its a little awkward sometimes because who knows what the rules are for being on a break really?... You're all like.. Is it okay if I touch you like this, or sit like this or should I kiss you good bye? Is that not appropriate?..blah blah it's like you're on first date ALL THE TIME. I'll tell you one thing. If we decide to be just friends that's a whole new territory for me. I'm a very affectionate person and having been affectionate in a relationship switching to what affection for a friend should be... Is tough. Which is why I have cut every ex boyfriend out of my life entirely. Or do we decide to be try be a couple again even though we both know we're probably not right for eachother. Everyone else says were not a good couple either. Wish I had like a light switch for emotions so I could agree...That would be awesome. (ps sorry Chris if you still read my blog, for blurting all my relationship/emotional dirt for all to read but I needed to get it out. At least posting it will stop the constant questions on a relationship status we're still trying to figure out)
In the work world: I'm FINALLY off probation, I'm getting my raise that was "frozen" for the last 3 months. I put in my application for a new computer and have a $2100 cheque to shop for one with...Sweet. I also put in for my vacation. I'm taking 18 days off the end of July and going to Vegas for a week. The other 11 days I'm going to do fuck all. Its July I can lay around on my deck in a bathing suit in a drunken stupor in the sun. Stupid 6 months away!
In the love life world: I'm still not really sure about that one. I let Chris know about all the things that were bothering me about a month ago. We mutually decided to take a break and try to figure things out. I haven't figured a thing out however. I suppose, I have learned that I need to lighten up. I can hear my maternal clock ticking away already, which is ridiculous I know since I'm 25. I can't help it. I'm not even ready for kids I know this but it's in the back of my mind a lot. I just want the relationship I have with my mom, with my kids. She had me at 24 and I guess I kinda feel like if I have kids at 30 or older I think I'll be to old to enjoy them when they are my age now. Anyways that's how I'm looking at relationships. I wasted fuckin 4 years almost with Tim. If I waste another 4 years on the wrong guy I'll be 29 and single again. It's unhealthy to have that "is he the one" idea in your brain when starting a new relationship. So I've decided to lighten up.
Chris and I have fun we get along, he knows how to push my buttons that's for sure. I like that he's not a push over which previous boyfriends have been. He can be sweet sometimes. However he does not vocalize what he wants or feels EVER. I'm aware that's just not the type of person he is, but a little goes a long way. He has this... Accept me for who I am, I'm not changing attitude. Sorry, but that's not how relationships work. You need to be willing to compromise a bit, or one person is doing all the sacrificing "trying to accept" the other person, and the person being accepted is not making any sacrifices. Then they in turn are being selfish and not making an effort to accept the other person for who THEY are, and expecting them to change because you are not willing to in return. Which is what you're getting irritated at in the first place making you a big hypocrite. I don't know if that made any sense but I'm not re-writing it because it hurt my brain trying to word it in the first place.
So for now we're on a break. We still hang out, I still have feelings for him of course, I also still enjoy his company. Its a little awkward sometimes because who knows what the rules are for being on a break really?... You're all like.. Is it okay if I touch you like this, or sit like this or should I kiss you good bye? Is that not appropriate?..blah blah it's like you're on first date ALL THE TIME. I'll tell you one thing. If we decide to be just friends that's a whole new territory for me. I'm a very affectionate person and having been affectionate in a relationship switching to what affection for a friend should be... Is tough. Which is why I have cut every ex boyfriend out of my life entirely. Or do we decide to be try be a couple again even though we both know we're probably not right for eachother. Everyone else says were not a good couple either. Wish I had like a light switch for emotions so I could agree...That would be awesome. (ps sorry Chris if you still read my blog, for blurting all my relationship/emotional dirt for all to read but I needed to get it out. At least posting it will stop the constant questions on a relationship status we're still trying to figure out)
posted by Amanda at 10:34 PM
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