Boooooo-urns

Damn my friends for all having blogs and peer pressuring me to have one. Damn me for being weak and caving. Ah well. My day started with my mother walking into my room and yelling you have 40 minutes to get dressed..I'm like for what? She yells Church as she's walking away. I'm like you have got to be fucking kidding me. My mom had a drunken gathering of her friends on Friday. Apparently I agreed to go to church for my moms friend Hazels initiation or some shit. Hazel is becoming some sort of soldier for the salvation army. Did you know salvation army was a church and not just someplace you drop off clothes? Cause I had no idea. Unfortunately I love Hazel and she did help raise me blah blah and it's important to her etc. So my ass is up at 9am on a Sunday. I'm not pleased..then I'm informed there's no time to eat..Have I mentioned I'm not pleased, cause I'm not. We get there and I'm starving the first words out of some dude in a uniform is welcome you just missed our breakfast...I'm not pleased! No one should have to deal with me when I'm hungry. They load me up with books and I sit beside Rene, Hazel's grandson. He has the biggest fro I've ever seen. Man that's a big fro. Rene and I are bonded in our misery he's 16 and he has to come every Sunday...My day is looking up..Sucker. So it starts at 10:30am I'm told its only an hour. So some guy in a army uniform is yappin away then everyone starts singing..5 mins in. The song consists of a sentence then singing Jesus has risen! I'm not singing and neither is Rene. After the song we're told to shake hands with everyone around us and say "Jesus has risen". When you have 100 people shaking hands in a small area chanting "Jesus has risen" It's fuckin creeepy. My eyes were as big as saucers cause I'm thoroughly creeped out. Anyhow. Then they passed around the collection plate, my mom hands me a yellow piece of paper and $5, Laura leans over and says your mom says to not give the other if you don't have to. I'm laughing my ass off, my moms awesome. I put it in cause some 80 yr old stared me down when he handed me the bowl. The next hour consists of singing...It's excrutiating this one large woman had her eyes closed and her right hand up every time she spoke or sang anything. I lean over to Rene and I'm like..She's praying for a milkshake. I'm internally snorting a lot and making comments to Rene (no one can hear them, only he knew I was being so disrespectful) Rene kept saying...Amanda you're ruthless..You're ruthless. I love Rene he's adorable. So it's now 11:45 1hr and 15mins. The only part I payed any attention to was when Hazel went up. It meant a lot to her that we all came, I only felt a tiny bit of guilt that I was wishing I was anywhere else in the world. I don't think it was a coincidence that I had cramps the entire time I was there, and they suddenly eased when I went outside. My version of bursting into flames I think. Anyhow that was my church experience It can be summed up in one word..Creepy. BTW I found out later that my mom meant the yellow piece of paper because all visitors had to fill one out. She didn't want them to call. Now I'm going to drink Malibu and play Tetris with Tana